Be Careful What You Vote For

I was advised not to write this. Why? Because India has turned into a moral police state.

In India, Sections 153A and 295A enshrined in the Constitution disallow the expression of any words, written or spoken, that incite disharmony and deliberately hurt religious sentiments. Fair enough. Secular is also a word in the Constitution that allows freedom to practise your own religion without harming anyone else's right to do so. Admirable.

But I'm still looking for an article in the Constitution that seeks to tell women what they can and cannot wear (save being nude in public), an article that says expressing a political (please note, I said political, not religious) opinion will get you beaten, harassed, thrown in jail and otherwise deprive you of something every democracy guarantees - the right to criticise your government. 

So I was advised not to write this. But I wonder if I can help the new government. Since the old one did scant to nothing about the looming problems, I thought it would be helpful to draw up a list of demands. (Nota bene. Demands. The time for requests is long past).

Dear New Government, 

This list is a representation of the demands of India's hopeful and hopeless population.

1) Be Honest. I don't mean be honest about the fact that you're cheating on your new diet but be honest about what you're doing with our money. If you spend it well, we'll give you more. If you steal it, you'll hear the verdict in five years. 

2) Be Effective. Don't allow our young women to be raped in broad daylight or in silent darkness, forced to drink acid, hung from trees after being gang-raped by 38 men, and stripped and beaten in public. Ensure that the severest punishment meets the crime. Changing the psyche of society will never happen on a mass scale in India; let's face it. So do your part. Deter. Prevent. Punish. Put to death if you must. 

3) Be Secular. Don't frighten those who don't share your religious beliefs and sentiments. Don't be troublemakers simply because you're a majority. Don't be mean bullies. Don't underestimate the common man. You're one of them. Common. 

4) Be Well-Behaved. If you don't know how to be well-behaved, look for information on the Internet. Be social media savvy and give yourself a belated education. After all, you claim to have won on the basis of a social media blitz. So learn good manners from there. Don't embarrass the largest population in the world. We don't appreciate it. 

5) Be Intelligent. Don't mistake that for degrees. Don't mistake that for a smart mouth. Don't mistake that for absurd Tweets. Understand that intelligence and logic must be balanced with human emotion. In short, be a good mother. That's the only way to serve your motherland. And if you didn't have a good mother, find the next best alternative. Don't presume you can work for the nation without intelligence. We've got poor tolerance for criminals and idiots. 

6) And finally, learn this. Commit it to memory. Understand that if you do not at ALL TIMES honour the following words, you'll find yourself hung out to dry. 

WE, THE PEOPLE OF INDIA, having solemnly resolved to constitute India into a SOVEREIGN SOCIALIST SECULAR DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC and to secure to all its citizens:

JUSTICE, social, economic and political;

LIBERTY of thought, expression, belief, faith and worship;

EQUALITY of status and of opportunity;

and to promote among them all FRATERNITY assuring the dignity of the individual and the unity and integrity of the Nation;

IN OUR CONSTITUENT ASSEMBLY this twenty-sixth day of November, 1949, DO HEREBY ADOPT, ENACT AND GIVE TO OURSELVES THIS CONSTITUTION.

You do not want to go up against 1.27 billion really pissed off people. You've seen, I suspect, the result of that. Don't presume that result won't apply to you after five years. Good luck.

Signed

Common Man, Woman and Child. 

(on behalf of 1.27 billion people and their pets) 

Of Cowards and Bastards

Every time I attempt to find a morsel, a mere crumb of a reason to feel some pride in the nation of my birth, bam! Someone pulls the trigger and releases the deadly gunpowder of violence, hatred, prejudice and my special pet hate- cowardice. 

Congratulations Penguin India on having done the unthinkable. On compromising your artistic integrity for a bunch of worthless, spineless, illiterate fanatics. Also commonly known as Shiksha Bachao Andolan (hilariously, ironically translated to Save Education Movement) who are nothing but a bunch of hooligans and philistines who wouldn't know an alphabet if it kicked them in their testicles. Oh wait. Such people have no balls. I'll have to satisfy myself by calling them a waste of space, like my young nieces and nephews do. 

Wendy Doniger, whose book The Hindus: An Alternative History has been banned, must be wondering what on earth Penguin India was doing. She must have wondered how being one of the foremost scholars of Hinduism in the world would lead to to that very religious community shoving her off their shelves. She must have wondered how Penguin India would look its authors in the eye. 

I was first acquainted with Miss Doniger when an ex was her student at the University of Chicago. He introduced me to her most wonderful work. Apparently this bunch of non-humans thinks it is perfectly all right to question her expertise with none of their own. Their only weapon was this dangerous idiot called Dinanath Batra who gave this ridiculous interview to Time magazine. Reading it will give you an ulcer, I warn you.

http://world.time.com/2014/02/12/sex-lies-and-hinduism-why-a-hindu-activist-targeted-wendy-donigers-book/

So what's to become of writers? What's to become of readers? Are we going to live in a climate of fear where our hopes, dreams, words, books, works of art and our very fundamental sense of freedom of opinion is to be signed away in an 'out of court settlement' by the guardians of knowledge and art? 

Penguin India has written its own obituary. Oh they won't go bankrupt just yet. They will survive because money and ugliness go hand in hand and the world will continue to feed such vultures with the scavenging remains of their dignity and courage. 

I'm about to start looking for a publisher. Everyone advised me not to write against Penguin India at this delicate juncture. But if I don't, then I am not a writer, I have nothing to say and I'm a coward. So Penguin India....I hope you burn in hell.

India: Do Not Do

Welcome to India. The land of milk and honey. Oops! I meant Assault and Abuse. Oops! I meant Rape and Paedophilia. What, you thought the Catholic Church had dibs on that? When people think of India nowadays, they think poverty, technology, economic development, pollution, tourism, pageant winners, call centres, outsourcing, Bollywood and Salman Rushdie. 

I want you to stop. I want you to start thinking of India as AA. Not Alcoholics Anonymous. Assault and Abuse. If you truly want to understand the sickness that is India, first stop romanticising it. Yes, the bloody Taj Mahal is going to be there forever. It no longer represents modern India. It's a laughable glimpse into a  colonial and bloody past. The present is much more terrifying. 

The present is so horrific, you will literally want to lock up your daughters and sons and never let them out onto the streets of India. The media will throw a million statistics at you. 336% increase in rapes since 2010. One out of five cops involved in cover-ups. India: The Rape Capital of the World. Endless numbers. Endless tales of woe. There is only so much you can read and watch before you either do something about it or die from the overdose, turn it off and walk away. 

Do Not tell me, India has good people too. So what? Not all Nazis were bloodsucking murderers. Not all Israeli Jews are arrogant killing machines. Not all Saudis are terrorists. If those mind-numbingly idiotic and underwhelming persuasions work with you, get the fuck off of this page. India is a bad country now. It's a country which has lost all sense of decency, humanity, compassion, logic, honesty and courage. 

Do Not visit. The tourism isn't worth the damage you may incur. It isn't worth the hell you'll go through if you get caught in its web, where you'll be slowly devoured, as your intestines are literally ripped out before your very eyes. Do Not tell your children about it. You'll never be able to protect them here. They will be raped, brutalised, bled to death, tortured beyond comprehension. It'll make Katherine Bigelow's Zero Dark Thirty look like Winnie the Pooh had a small accident. 

I no longer belong to India. And India no longer belongs to me. I reject this monster. This golem. This horrific bogeyman who is eating the children alive. I no longer want to hear that there are people trying to change things. Those people are raped, tortured and killed too. I no longer want to hear that instead of complaining I should do something about saving it. I have. I refuse to give birth. The only way to clean India is to stop India. Literally stop it in its tracks. I'm not an advocate of ethnic cleansing. I am an advocate of cleaning the dirt. Find the rotting seed and crush it. 

I am ashamed of India.

Put India on your DO NOT DO list.

And yes, there is such a thing as evil.

Actions speak louder than words

I'm not a big fan of heavy traffic. Something about bleeping horns and cussing drivers- it upsets my delicate artistic sensibilities. Oh all right, it's not so much that, as it is the being bullied into inconvenience, that grates on my nerves. A combination of Diwali in India and the Obamas visiting, had perched me on a near-Prozac like edge.

He's gone, the traffic's almost back to normal and the heightened chatter that preceded his visit has dwindled to a useless whisper. Apparently it was a great honour that he visited India and skipped the old enemy Pakistan. Apparently it warranted all kinds of cleaning sprees in the city and Bombay was made to resemble a little urchin child, whose face was washed clean, hair spit-pressed down to the sides and shorts tightened with a borrowed belt. Then he smartly snapped a salute to the American president. who patted it kindly on the head and moved on.

It was almost amusing to see the city and indeed the country fall over its bureaucratic self trying to please the man of the moment. He must have felt great too, considering the drubbing he had just taken in DC. You're welcome Mr. Obama; anytime you need an ego boost, fly towards India.

I was idly wondering- in between feverish tirades of the media moguls on the telly and the traffic police holding up 'road closed' signs everywhere- what the average man in Bombay thought of this visit. I got my answer from two rather surprising places.

One cabbie - the chatty variety I hate- said: Madam what's he come for? To beg for money? They've emptied their treasury with their stupidity and greed, so now do they have their eye on ours?

One postman- yes, we still have the old-fashioned ones in India- said: My son saw him address students at the college. He admired the way Mr. Obama spoke; with courage and dignity. But when you say many things which mean nothing, it still means you've said nothing.

A cabbie and a postman- not the higher tax echelon of this city- were both left wondering, why, in the scheme of things in India with its multitudinal problems, this visit was such a big deal.

Why didn't anyone come when Bhopal lost its people to a leaking poisonous gas?

Why is everyone here when India's winning the economic jackpot?

How long before India gets a seat at the Security Council?

How long do we have to bite down on our lips while Michelle Obama dances like an uncoordinated, condescending one-woman circus act, instead of actually spending time observing what Indian women teach their children, since she places such a high value on children's education?

How long can vagueness and empty promises be gaily cloaked in diplomacy?

Thanks Mr. and Mrs. Obama for visiting. We hope you enjoyed it. The rest of us will hold our judgement on that until such time, when we see more evidence of that 'special relationship' you all are so fond of referring to.

In Mr. Obama's own words: India is not a rising country. It has already risen.

Someone should remind politicians on both sides of the ocean, of that keen observation.

The voice of India

The voice of India has announced that the Congress has won. The UPA government led by Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh is to continue for another 5 years. More importantly, the vicious beast of communalism upon whose back the losing BJP was riding has been mercilessly crushed by the very people whom they tried to incite against the minorities.

India, whether rich or poor, educated or illiterate, has realised that the reins of power cannot be handed over to someone who wishes to take India back to the dark ages. Who wishes to murder in the name of God and then like a child point a finger and say - but he started it first.

There are no saints here. All the parties, winners and losers alike, have all been tarnished with the brush of corruption and greed. All we are able to do is choose between the lesser of the two evils. And hope that the good work continues and the bad work lessens. Either way, the government has a lot of promises to fulfil and a lot of begging bowls to fill.

My only hope is that our hope isn't snuffed out by the overconfidence and the arrogance of victory. My hope is that this government raises the bar of expectation and then supersedes it. My cynical, experienced side says I'm asking for too much. My hopeful side, the one that dragged its behind in a blistering sun to vote for them, says maybe, just maybe....

Interesting sidebar.... Every major TV channel that broadcasts in India constantly covered the last 24 hours of the election. Except CNN international. They gave it as much importance as a namby pamby interview of Musharraf by Fareed Zakaria. Is this the American approach to 'bonding with the world's largest democracy?' Or do they think that the American elections are the only ones worth covering? Shame on CNN International. The BBC on the other hand, did a smart thing. They made the coverage so scintillating and well-positioned that most Indian viewers were hard pressed to choose between popular Indian channels and the BBC.

Well, the drama is almost over. It'll be back to murky business come Monday morning. Lord help us all.

M for Music. M for Manooghi Hi.

I am not, repeat NOT, a big believer in 'fusion' music or 'fusion' anything. I am hopelessly old-fashioned with my music and I don't like adulteration in any form. Don't mistake this for me not knowing my music. I'm happy to say I know music and it knows me and we have a deep and meaningful relationship that has not been interrupted for 36 years. And then a few months ago, along came this upstart called Manooghi Hi, who challenged my ideas about global music and wagged a mongrel finger and said: Hey, listen here and suspend your prejudices. Or you're not worth the paper you write on. My first instinct was to ask the upstart to leave and go back to my Chet Baker but like an obstinate child, it pulled out its bag of tricks, undeterred and played.

I am not, repeat NOT, easily impressed. In fact, trying to impress me will have the opposite effect and I was about to warn the upstart about this when I heard something.

And I saw Buddha here
And I met Jesus there
And I heard Hendrix there
And I felt Shiva there
And I touched Gandhi there
And Andy Warhol there
He just didn't care
He was in his underwear

I am not, repeat NOT, immune to clever poetry. Especially if it smacks of Miss Dorothy Parker and offends the general ignorant populace. As the cheeky little offender continued to play unbidden, I found my tongue clapped to the roof of my mouth while the lead singer twisted the sinews of urban poesie to curl around the belly of a raga and throw itself shamelessly naked upon the flat back of the tabla before being delicately stomped on by the piano and finally disappearing into the mist of a final rising violin's note.

I'm an elevator
Where everyone pretends to be alone
I'm a hotel
Where everyone pretends to be at home

I am not, repeat NOT, easily fooled by ideas stolen from T.S. Eliot but I am astounded when they are strung like offerings around the Hindu goddess Kali's neck and hang there in perfect harmony like pearls embedded in skulls.

I am not, repeat NOT, immune to the beauty of various pure languages. When I heard English, Hindi, Bengali, Persian and Tamil slide in and out of songs without losing the shimmering thread and balance between lyric and melody, even though metre was unconventionally seduced, I was an espresso short of being completely mesmerised.

I am not, repeat NOT, interested in namby pamby praise or advertising. Probably why I'm unemployable. So in the spirit of full disclosure, Mehnaz, the lead singer, is a friend. If you call being overly critical of every last full stop and comma of her work, friendship. She will attest to this with a painful smile. The rest of the Seattle-based band are strangers to me.

I am not, repeat NOT, going to tell you how great Manooghi Hi is. I would rather credit you with a brain and ears. If you're certain that you are strong enough and open enough to deal with the volcanic inner core of their lyricism, then log on to their site and listen. www.manooghihi.com.

I am not, repeat NOT, going to admit I'm a shameless groupie.

Deliver us from Evil. Amen.

Certain people should come with a warning label like food products or chemicals- Warning: Totally and utterly dangerous, do not let within a 100 miles of you. The Pope is one of them. I was following the story of his current run through Africa when he landed at Cameroon and made the most ridiculous statement imaginable- Condoms could make the African AIDS crisis worse.

Yes, you heard right. He said that. I saw it. I heard it. I read it. I'm not going to bore you with the statistics on HIV and AIDS in the world. There are over a billion sites on the Internet if you are interested. What I'm concerned about is this: There are approximately 1.2 billion Catholics around the world, give or take a few hundred thousand. And they think it is okay to accept this man, no wait- this IDIOT, as their spiritual leader and guide? This blundering fool who thinks it is perfectly acceptable to deepen a very serious, downright critical crisis by talking through his arse?

Sexual abstinence and fidelity- this is his counsel. What planet is the man from? The Vatican has long been criticised across the world for its positively archaic and utterly unrealistic, thoroughly stupid views on this matter and here he comes along, traipsing into a continent that is crumbling under the weight of this crisis and tells them without a single moment's hesitation that "The traditional teaching of the church has proven to be the only failsafe way to prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS."

Failsafe? Traditional teachings? Is he barking mad or does he have an agenda? Either way, it makes him a sinner and a criminal. What about that, pontiff? You think disseminating information that could directly lead to an action that causes death by AIDS is permissible? Why isn't this man being tried in a court of law? Does idiocy fall under crimes punishable by law?

In places like Africa and India where the AIDS crisis festers on a minute-by-minute basis, where the number of deaths are increasing instead of decreasing and where the majority of the population is illiterate and are driven by religious leaders and religious practice, there can be no greater damage than the damage caused by these so-called moral guardians of faith. Whether it is the Pope or the Hindu religious leaders or the Islamic fundamentalists, when a common man relies on them to steer his life towards salvation, the only thing that's going to happen is that he's going to find himself up shitcreek without a paddle.

If there is a god, may he strike all of these holier-than-thou wankers dead and save the rest of us from them.