Resolutely Unresolved

They say New Year's Resolutions always fly out the window once the first week of Jan slips away along with the fuzzy furry feeling that all's well with the world in the new year and as the last of the champagne sticks to the roof of your mouth like an old shoe clamped under the bed, you wonder.... Since it's now the 13th of January, I wondered if I could come up with at least ten seemingly universal resolutions that stuck.

1. Let's watch we eat- Yup, watch yourself sneak an extra piece of full fat ham and an unspeakable forkfull of sinful chocolate goodness. Tick!

2. Let's work out more- Oh this one is a classic one, innit? After 10 kms or 10 days, whichever comes earlier, please see Point 1, above. Tick!

3. Let's do more charity- Absolutely. Throw out (err....donate) perfectly good pairs of shoes (soooo last year, babe!) and spend double the amount on new ones. Tick!

4. Call that friend you've been meaning to call- You did and you lunched with her and then went back to your other 'real friends' to gossip about how fat she is and how sallow her skin is and how pathetic her dress sense is and OMG, lunch was a nightmare, girls! Tick!

5. Focus on my career- This is a big one for most of us. Yes, really, focus focus focus. Come on now, stop staring out the window, don't spend 4 hours a day texting and don't spend half the morning on Facebook telling people about the colour of your bra. Focus! Tick, anyone?

6. Read better books- Do let's trudge to the latest bookstore and browse through the classics where you're met with a pimply faced attendant who thinks Alice in Wonderland is a children's book. Really? Well, then can't be bothered with that. But the new Vogue looks good. As do empty headed tales of Generation Y exclusively speaking Hinglish. Tick anyone?

7. Travel more- Oh lovely. Now if only I could get an alphabetised list of where all the shopping festivals are, where the celebs hang out and what's the latest 'It' destination, I'll just grab my passport, shall I? Tick anyone?

8. I'll learn something new- I've always wanted to learn how to play the violin. Ooh yoga, that's meant to be sooooo cool and trendy, babe. What about salsa dancing? Oodles of fun, yeah! But it's so time-consuming! Tick anyone?

9. Thinking positive- So done with the negativity! Read 'The Secret' and listen to Deepak Chopra's advice! And take an Art of Living class! I'm so down with that. Now if only I wasn't surrounded by such bitchy, negative people! Tick anyone?

10. New Year Resolutions are stupid- Really people, how can you be so childish? Nothing changes! It's all humbug. Seriously, pass me the ham sandwich and the beer. And shut the bloody door on your way out. Tick everyone?

A change of date

I think the 30th of December should officially be declared the last day of the year and the 31st should be a transitionary date. Like a no man's land on the calendar. Seriously though, think about it. The entire 24 hour period of the 31st is spent doing one thing only- preparing for the New Year's Eve craziness that most people are keen to experience. Like it's novel. Like it won't happen again every year. Like they're petrified of starting the new year on a dull note, because it may come to symbolise the entire year. Like they're too embarrassed to say they have no specific plans or no specific date because of course that denotes the kind of loser or social misfit or charity case that you obviously must be. Because of course, on January 1st the whole world will miraculously change and everything will be wonderful and Rhonda Byrne's stupid secret will finally be revealed. So in between all this, where's the time to reflect on the year gone by? Where's the need actually? If there is a need and you find that you do want to, I suggest the 30th of December. It's a calmer day and and less fraught with the expectation of politically correct sentiment. Less peppered with chimes of 'Oh do smile, darling, think positive thoughts and the new year will bring you great joys.' I don't have a problem with this. In fact I am quite convinced that it's important to say Happy New Year. After all, one can hardly say Sad New Year. One can but one won't. The only person who'd appreciate the irony of that would be Woody Allen and I don't have his email address or Harold Pinter and he's dead.

So today being 30th of December, I shall take my own advice. But I don't want to dwell on the year that went by. I want to think about what the year that went by will bring to the year that's arriving. Now a lot of you will think, oh dear, she's going to talk of depressing things. Of death and destruction. Of darkness and morbid news. And we don't want to be pulled down. Well, to those I say, fair enough. After all, it's perfectly acceptable to wipe out from memory the things you swore you'd hold dear and not forget because they'd scarred you with their gravity. After all, it's perfectly acceptable to join the band of fools who sing and dance and pretend at the stroke of midnight that a god they cannot see nor hear will make everything wonderful. And the more optimistic you are, the more you will hate being reminded of the impotent world you really live in. But let me relieve you. I'm not going to adjectivally depress you. And if I do, perhaps you have a conscience left. That's the news you'd want to actually celebrate.

As I write this:

-There are wailing mothers and orphaned children in Palestine who are being sacrificed to the altar of Hamas and Israel's military power. The toll has crossed 300.
-There are people in Bombay still mourning the loss of their loved ones a mere month ago in the terrorist attacks.
-There are people in Kashmir who braved the militants to come out and vote and are worried about what will happen to their families if the government in India will only use this election to cock a snook at Pakistan instead of directly addressing the battered populace's fears.
-There are men who are roaming the streets in search of a job so they can feed their families in so many countries in the world.
-There is a genocide taking place in the Congo at the hands of its own rebel armies.
-The Taliban is executing a renewed rash of bombings in Afghanistan and gaining ground in Pakistan.
-Saudi Arabia is 'rehabilitating Jihadists' by giving them further lessons in fundamentalism.
-Dangerous men like Putin are quietly stubbing out democratic freedom in the name of stability while his people starve.

And finally, when you've digested all this, the 30th will be done and dusted. We'll all shake our heads together in universal sympathy like a flock of idiotic sheep watching a tennis match and then move on to the 31st, worrying frantically about the colour of the nail-polish and dinner reservations.

Oh yes, almost forgot. Happy New Year.